“How was your Christmas?”

It’s a question I’m dreading having to answer. The automatic response is to say “It was fine”. A very British response I think we’d all agree. But when I weigh it all up, I don’t know if ‘fine’ is the right word. If I were to have to list everything, the good and the bad, the good would far outweigh the bad. The good things have been wonderful. I’ve spent time at home, although that has felt rather weird. I’ve spent time with my friends, the people who manage to brighten my day without even realising they’re doing it, getting to talk to them and forget about the things weighing down my mind. By comparison of the past few years, this has been the first holiday where I haven’t wanted to spend the entire time hiding away in my room and have wanted to go out and see people, have actually looked forward to something. And I think the medication I’ve been taking might actually be helping me in some way, but there’s still a little part of me that worries it’s just me tricking myself into believing something that isn’t true.

But the bad things have cast a shadow over all these good things. Exhaustion is constant, and rather unexpectedly, my nightmares have come back, this time worse than they used to be, more regular, more vivid, more fixed into my mind when I wake up. They’re not about anything in particular, and some are far far worse than others. But every time I wake up it’s to the stress that these nightmares cause, the anxiety they induce. The worst ones are still stuck in my mind and I don’t know how to get rid of them. My mind keeps slipping back into it’s hyper-analystical state, replaying things that have made me sad or angry, and I’ve begun to question many things which I’ve just taken as true over the years which I never thought I would. To top it off, I watched Inside Out the other day and realised that the character I related to the most was Sadness…great.

In short, the external factors of my holiday have been great, it’s what’s running around my mind that’s making me look back on the holidays through grey-tinted glasses.

 

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