A few days ago I wrote that I was dreading having to answer this question, and I think I’m beginning to dread it less. I think taking medication is beginning to help and when I look at the work I need to do it’s not quite as terrifying as it was before. Sure, it’s still quite worrying to think that I have exams starting in just over a week and I have yet to look at anything for a prolonged period of time or that the things I have looked at so far have been quite minimal. But I think something else is happening too. When I look at my work, it kind of makes sense. The things I read are staying in my brain more than they used to and aren’t disappearing into thin air the minute I read them, like when I was revising for my 3rd year exams and couldn’t barely remember a thing. Take today for example, where I’ve spent approximately two hours on and off going through Economics and Strategy practice questions and lecture slides – the things which I’ve read whilst also being distracted by the blare of the television in the background (because nothing will make me miss an episode of Sherlock) are actually sticking around in my head. This hasn’t happened in a very long time. It feels like once I’m back in Warwick, back in my flat’s kitchen with my flatmates, rather than be sat at the table with them feeling useless and unproductive whilst they work away and put me to shame, I’ll actually be able to join them and actually, dare I say it, learn things properly for a change.
I spoke to my mum earlier, and she said I seem happier. And I don’t think it’s to do with me being good at hiding how I feel (I’ve become an expert over the past two years) because I don’t think I’m trying to pretend to be something I’m not anymore. I think instead that, for the first time in God knows how long, I’m beginning to be the truely happier version of myself which has been missing for quite some time now. The positive things are beginning to become more prevalent in my mind than the bad things which were clouding my judgement a few days ago, and I’m noticing that the things which used to cause me huge levels of stress aren’t doing so any more. Last night is a prime example, where going out for drinks with my friends (which would normally make me extremely anxious because of how crowded and noisy it was) was surprisingly stress free.
When I get asked how my Christmas was now, I think I’ll actually be able to say that it’s been a happy one and genuinely believe what I say.