Today, I cried. A lot. I’ve cried in front of friends, staff members, and random people walking past me on campus who look at me like I’m being weird. And I imagine I’ll have cried a few more times by the time this week is over too when I have to go and talk to even more people in my department to figure out what the hell I should do.
It all started to get a bit too much, and it feels like I’m a failure again. I spent the weekend trying to revise, to cram in as much information I could before the exam I was meant to sit this evening (which I thankfully don’t have to sit this week anymore). But the shear enormity of the amount of work I’m missed because of not being able to get out of bed in the morning (or even the afternoon) last term, the nightmares that keep making me wake up more anxious than ever, and the exhaustion that no matter how many hours I sleep, how many ways of falling asleep I resort to, how little work I do in day (both mentally and physically), just won’t go away. And there have been many moment today where I’ve felt like maybe it never will.
The prospect of having to withdraw and restart in September was what pushed me over the edge. It didn’t at first, not when I first read the email that explained the options that I’m having to choose between: defer exams until the end of term (and have to work towards them alongside all of this term’s work as well), or temporarily withdraw and restart everything again in September (or as I see it, give up). I don’t want to withdraw, and not just because it feels like I’m being defeated, but because by doing so I’ll also have to give up all the things that have been keeping me going over the past months, like all of the welfare things which I just can’t ever seem to stay away from.
I think I am beginning to get better. I tell people when I feel terrible now, because I’m lucky to have people who will listen to me and tell me it’s going to be okay one day, and I have a mum who seems to always know what to say when I ring her up and say I’m struggling out of the blue. I’ve actually been able to face the prospect of work recently for the modules which I’ve dreaded the most, and thankfully now I have more time to hopefully get my head into a (slightly) clearer place when I do actually sit my exams.